Needful Things

Save me from Home Depot. I can’t not spend money there. Before I even leave the house I spend 2 hours in preparation, meditating in an attempt to suppress The Need. When I walk in the door I’m still chanting: box of screws, box of screws, box of screws, box of screws. By the time I walk out the store is sending four employees with me like hotel porters shadowing a high roller. When they see me coming they put on the special bright orange vests with the gold trim and break out the brass plated black marble lumber platform.

I was just there today to buy a 12 inch length of half inch threaded pipe. No problem. They even had it in stock. Then I moseyed on over to the garden center to look around for a bit and OH MY GOD I have to have it! A state of the art molded fiberglass handled splitting maul. And, it was made by Fiskars. If they can make a device to put a frilly edge on a piece of paper then there’s no reason why they can’t make something that will blow a log apart with a single effortless swipe. One look was all it took to convince me that this axe would easily handle all of my daily splitting and mauling needs. I mean, the blade was coated with Teflon, or something else that was just slightly less registerably trademarked. I could cook an egg right on the blade and (get this) it wouldn’t even stick! This maul is to axes what the Hummer is to SUVs, except the maul gets better gas mileage.

I was trapped. I had to break the spell, so I grabbed for the closest cheapest thing I could find to satiate The Need. I grabbed a bag of lawn fertilizer. Hmmm, it has calcium in it. Something my lawn needs anyway. Having temporarily satiated my need to buy, I headed for the checkouts as fast as I could. I count myself lucky that by the time I got there I only had a ladder, a package of orange pumpkin leaf bags and a long plastic thingy that removes hair from your drains on top of my bag of fertilizer. But you should see this ladder! It’s an expandable stepladder. It breaks apart to form two smaller stepladders. Those two smaller stepladders break apart into four pieces of two smaller stepladders. If you put it all back together, it unfolds and expands into a 13 foot extension ladder. And if I buy two more, they can combine to form Ladd-or, Guardian of the Roofline. He’s more than meets the eye.

Now, how am I gonna fit this thing in the trunk?


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