The Battle of Who Could Care Less

I am currently engaged in a battle with one of my co-workers. The contest: to see who can come up with the CD filled with the most personally embarrassing songs. These have to be songs that you are openly admitting to have listened to and enjoyed, but have been previously unwilling to admit it to anyone. I brought a sample of what I’m compiling to work this week in a preemptive Shock & Awe maneuver. At the moment, I think this is my heavy hitter.

This thing right here
Is lettin all the ladies know
What guys talk about
You know
The finer things in life
Hahaha
Check it out

This thing right here, it let all the ladies know that we as men were taking a giant step backward as gentlemen and one giant leap forward as douchebags. Seriously, we had long way to crawl back after this.

Ooh dat dress so scandalous
And ya know another nigga couldn’t handle it

Yes. Only Sisqo. Only Sisqo could handle a dress so scandalous. And ya know it.

See ya shakin that thang like who’s da ish

This is where I was gonna say “what’s an ish”, until I looked it up on Urban Dictionary and discovered that ish is a slang form of shit. Sisqo knew that another nigga couldn’t handle ‘shit’, so he cleverly went with ‘ish’. Touche, Sisqo. Touche.

With a look in ya eye so devilish

Uh
Ya like to dance at all the hip hop spots
And ya cruise to the crews like connect da dots
Not just urban she likes the pop
Cuz she was livin la vida loca

Cuz he was cashin’ in on Ricky Martin’s bandwagon…

[BRIDGE]
She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt

Few people realize that these last three lines are Sisqo’s coup de gras. Not since Ozzy Osbourne rhymed masses with masses has any artist anywhere managed to achieve the Holy Grail of lyrical composition and rhyme the same word with itself three times. Sisqo does it three times in a row. I hope you’re paid up at the collection plate, ’cause the Rapture is a’ comin’.

Uh
I think I’ll sing it again

Sisqo thought about it long and hard. He consulted an astrologer. He funded a Gallup poll to gauge the feelings of Americans. After all this, he thinks he’ll sing it again.

She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what

tick tock, people…

All night long
Let me see that thong

I’m a boob man myself, and I appreciate a tasteful glance every now and then… but all night long? Really? Has Sisqo considered how long a night actually is? Especially during Daylight Savings?

[CHORUS x2]
I like it when the beat goes da na da na
Baby make your booty go da na da na
Girl I know you wanna show da na da na

Of all the things I ever need to know that I learned in kindergarten, how to make things go ‘da na da na” was strangely omitted. Thankfully, with the help of No Child Left Behind, future generations need not be as deprived as I.

That thong th thong thong thong

Sisqo: Uh, that’s it.
Producer, taking off headphones and spitting out drink: WHAT?
Sisqo: That’s all I wrote, yo.
Producer: Hold on hold on hold on. Hold On. I thought I just heard you say that that’s all you wrote.
Sisqo: Uhhhhhh…. well…
Producer: Jump up and FUCK! Are you kidding me? Really? Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell am I supposed to do now? Do you have any idea how much we’re paying for this studio time? Do you? Huh?
Sisqo: …
Producer: Jesus… AAARRGHH! Okay, okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. You’re uh, you’re just gonna repeat everything over again. The exact same thing. Nobody will know. Please God don’t let anyone know.

That girl so scandalous

Sisqo shows his versatility by cleverly replacing the aforementioned ‘dress’ with ‘girl’. This does not imply that you’ll now be able to handle it, though. Just Sisqo.

And I know another nigga couldn’t handle it
And she shakin that thang like who’s da ish
With a look in her eye so devilish

Uh
She like to dance at all the hip hop spots
And she cruise to the crews like connect da dots
Not just urban she likes the pop
Cuz she was livin la vida loca

[BRIDGE]

[CHORUS (2x)]

Producer: That sounded strangely familiar great, man. Now do it again, but, uh, in a (snicker) whisper.
Sisqo: A whisper? I don’t think so.
Producer: Listen, man, you can do it now or I can do it in the edit. I got a fever! And the only prescription, is more whispering!

Whoaaa
That dress so scandalous

He’s switching it up so fast I can’t keep up!!! It’s scandalous!

And I swear another nigga couldn’t handle it
See ya shakin that thang like who’s da ish
With a look in her eye so devilish

(Whoa)
Uh ya like to dance at all the hip hop spots
And ya cruise to the crews like connect da dots
Not just urban ya like the pop
Cuz she was livin la vida loca

(Whoa)
She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt
(Ooh)
I think I’ll sing it again
Cuz she had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt
Uh think to sing it again
Come on
Come on
Come on
Come on

Yeahhhh yeah

This is the part in the video where respectable use of the black light was also set back by 12 years.

[CHORUS (3x)]

Whoa
Uh alright
Uh whoa yeah
Ooh
Whoa
(Like it when the beat goes da na da na)
(Baby make your booty go da na da na)
(Girl I know you wanna show da na da na)
Baby
(That thong th thong thong thong)

(I like it when the beat goes da na da na)
(Baby make your booty go da na da na)
(Girl I know you wanna show da na da na)
(That thong th thong thong thong)

What have we learned here? I think we learned that this whole spectacle had very little to do with the actual thong. The thong was just the proverbial delivery vehicle for the ass. Because nobody, not even Sisqo, really wants to to look at a thong all night long. Can you even imagine it? You, a recliner, and a thong on a hanger from dusk till dawn? Unless there’s beer and a possible coma in that equation, that sounds suspiciously like work. And that is definitely not the ish.

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One response to “The Battle of Who Could Care Less

  1. Dumps like a truck truck truck?

    Sounds like she needs to cut some fiber out of her diet. But, hey, whatever floats your boat boat boat.

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