Everybody loves cake.

We have a new cake in our cafe.

It is the mother of all cakes. It is the Dark Chocolate Blackout Cake.

Just one slice of this cake contains 4 of the seven deadly sins and 98% of the US recommended daily allowance of coronary seizure. It is so dense that it attracts the cholesterol out of any food it’s placed near. It is like a slice of a collapsed chocolate neutron star, with nuts.

One by one, cities across America are banning trans fats. But trans fats are like heavy metals – they stay in the environment. So where do they go when they get banned? They go into this cake. Smelling this cake contains 70 calories. It will raise a diabetic’s blood sugar level at a distance of 6 feet.

When they say that the US consumes 30% of the world’s resources, one percent of that is because of the Dark Chocolate Blackout Cake.

I bought a slice of that cake. And I ate that slice. And it was delicious. It’s all I’ve been able to think about in the 36 hours I’ve been awake since eating it.

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4 responses to “Everybody loves cake.

  1. And here I thought most collapsed neutron stars in the galaxy were primarily made up of jettisoned holiday fruit cake that had reached their regifting threshold.

    So, if you eat enough of this cake does one begin altering the orbits of stellar objects and bending light?

  2. That is why it’s called Blackout cake. You can’t actually look right at it because the light closest to it gets bent inward. All you see is a fuzzy black chocolate void.

  3. Are you and your friend Matt studying the the social, political, and economical ramifications of the Dark Chocolate Blackout Cake on Western society? Huh? Huh?

  4. Think of it more as… consumer awareness.

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