Rudolf’s Tale

Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer
Had a very shiny nose

Rudolf was, by all accounts, a normal reindeer. He did well in school. He was polite and well mannered. Unfortunately, Rudolf’s nose was red. Very red. Maybe it was genetic, a recessive gene on his mother’s side. Maybe it was rosacea. Whatever the reason, it certainly wasn’t his fault. It didn’t really matter, though, why it was red. All that mattered was that Rudolf’s nose was a freakishly bright red explosion of color and it would ultimately overshadow any and all of his other qualities as a source of constant ridicule by a shallow and image obsessed society.

And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glowed.

You probably would say that his nose was glowing if you saw it but you wouldn’t say it aloud, or to his face. You’d whisper it to the person you were with and there’d almost certainly be some pointing involved. Rudolf would of course know that you were commenting derogatorily on his deformity, but he’d just suck it up like a miserable sponge and do his best to get on with his day.

All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names.

Children are cruel, and reindeer children are no exception. Just like a warped application of Darwinism, they will instinctively gang up on the oddball member of any group. We all turn a blind eye to it, saying that it’s just reindeer kids being reindeer kids. And so Rudolf was picked on mercilessly by his peers for his uncontrollable physical deformity. They would call him things like “red nose” and “big red nose”. This was completely unfair since there was nothing at all unusual about the size of his nose. Even stranger, sometimes they would call him”WC”, a reference to the famous red-nosed film drunkard W.C. Fields. What? Even the reindeer’s parents weren’t old enough to get that reference. But who ever claimed that heartless mocking had to make any kind of sense?

They never let poor Rudolf
Join in any reindeer games

By the time Rudolf was old enough to play in organized sports his self esteem had, under a lifetime barrage of taunts, insults, hazing and ostracizing, withered to a mere husk. The other reindeer didn’t bar Rudolf from playing games so much as he simply avoided large groups and opportunities for reindeer interaction.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say:
“Rudolf with your nose so bright
Won’t you guide my sleigh tonite?”

Rudolf’s story ends on the evening when Santa, the school’s athletic director, decided to cross over the abstract juvenile/adult line of separation and get in a dig of his own in front of the State Champion sled-pulling team. Everyone laughed and laughed and laughed because for some reason adolescent insults are orders of magnitude funnier when delivered by adults. Rudolf had finally had enough. He reached into his backpack and pulled out an unlicensed fully loaded pair of 20 gauge antlers.

Then all the reindeer loved him

Oh sure NOW they loved him. Now that they were staring down the length 2 stainless steel hollow point gore sticks, Rudolf’s nose was suddenly looking pretty freaking cool. Naw, man, it’s not really even that red at all. I mean, my nose is probably redder that that, right? Right?

And they shouted out with glee

Not glee, really. More like wet your pants, beg-for-your-life terror.

Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer
You’ll go down in history

And he did. But just like a good game of Telephone, the details tend to get garbled and the back story is forgotten. These days you might even pass off Rudolf’s sad tale as a bubblegum holiday jingle. Ha! Can you imagine?

Merry Christmas!


One response to “Rudolf’s Tale

  1. Guns don’t kill people, misunderstood 20 gauge wielding mutant reindeer kill people. The NRA needs to be informed.

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