Zombie Jesus

Today’s discussion: Zombie Jesus.

Was Jesus a zombie? Is the Catholic Church hiding this truth from us? And will Dan Brown reveal it all to us in another unputdownable tale of random, haphazard wandering that leads to some kind of conclusion? The answer to the last question is no. He’ll wait for someone else to do it and then not entirely plagiarize it.

When you consider all that we now know about zombies, added to what I already know of Jesus, it’s seeming more and more likely that Jesus was a zombie. I am, of course, referring to the time after his “death”. During his public life Jesus did a whole lot of documented teaching and as everyone knows, zombies don’t teach. They do moan a lot and eat human flesh. Now, I’m not saying it’s not possible that for three years Jesus wandered around, moaning to the masses about how they should treat their fellow man, chewing on the occasional arm or leg. I am saying that since we still lack a reliable Moaning to English dictionary, a potential zombie Jesus follower would have to have been either extremely intelligent, or extremely the opposite of extremely intelligent. And totally oblivious to the arm and leg chewing.

Jesus’s first public act was turning water into wine at the wedding at Cana. This was clearly the work of a zombie. What? Am I crazy? Zombies can’t turn water into wine (though it would go a long way to helping me prove that Bartles and Jaymes were zombies). What’s important to remember is that many of the stories from the bible are parables. Their purpose is to teach a lesson, not to be taken literally. Water and wine are just euphemisms for people and zombies. See? At this wedding, Jesus clearly turned people into zombies, which as we all know is something that zombies are quite good at. The lesson to be learned here is not to go to weddings where a zombie is turning people into other zombies. And if you do have to attend, because you “knew” the bride back in college and she invited you anyway, then just show up for the ceremony and make some excuse about how you could only get a babysitter for a few hours and have to get home.

Next time: Lazarus, better off dead?


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