And she’s knitting a gateway to hell

CB spent 8 hours today learning how to knit, but not how to regular knit, ‘cuz she already knows how to do that. No, she learned a way to knit that only 47 something other people know how to do, or so claims the woman who taught this class. She tried explaining it to me and I pretended to have any idea at all of what she was trying to explain. This, despite our agreement that if she’s never going to understand a computer programming language then I’m never going to understand a sweater programming language. Sorry… knitting. The best I can do to comprehend this is to think of it as knitting in Latin. Or Finnish.

Rovaniemi, Finland, to be precise, where this style of knitting (which involves knitting with many different colors) has been passed down from generation to generation. There’s no instruction written anywhere about how to do it, it’s incredibly complicated and by looking at it you couldn’t figure out how to do it. “Nobody teaches this. No one knows this exists, let alone talks about it. It shouldn’t even be possible”, she says.

You know why? I’ve seen Hellraiser. Event Horizon. This knitting style obviously unlocks the floodgates of Abaddon. There’s a reason why some things are lost to time. They were meant to be. You think it’s harmless but noooooo. One second it’s all “Look at the pretty puzzlebox/wormhole/knitting pattern” and then look who’s coming to dinner.

So, I had to put my foot down. She can’t bring it in the house, unless it’s locked inside her Hello Kitty lunchbox. That cat is so cute it can rust a hole in one inch plate steel at 50 paces. Even the gaping maw of evil incarnate knows better than to mess with that. As for the rest of you… you’re on your own.

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